Soo.... I may have had a little breakdown at work during my last shift, hehehe!!

But seriously, it was an overwhelmingly busy Saturday and I had no backup and I'm pretty sure I became overstimulated to a level I had never experienced before. My brain was so fried I lost the ability to form coherent sentences. You could probably hear it sizzling like an egg on the sidewalk.

Unlike my peers I'm a fragile widdle baby who breaks down crying when I hit my limit, and a manager came up to relieve me as I toddled behind the Geek Squad repair curtains to fall to my knees and start screaming. I have trouble regulating my emotions when I'm upset. Really cool and fun! They let me leave "early" but my shift would have ended five minutes later. I did have a nice old woman who I helped earlier come up to me and give me a hug while I disassociated in the parking lot.

I don't blame my managers for this. They are working with the strict constraints that corporate forces on them. Our "hourly budget" has been slashed so much that we opened on that Saturday with two people on the floor. On a Saturday. I get to do the job of three people on the busiest day of the week all by myself and they have the gall to make me try and sell people a 60 day return policy for 50 dollars. You want me to ask the annoyed customer who's been waiting 10 minutes to buy an overpriced usb-c cord to spend extra money for shit they used to get just by being a loyal customer? No one wants to pay for subscriptions anymore!!!! And then Management sees I have 0 credit card applications and 0 membership sign ups and they click their tongues and tell me to do better, and our hourly budget gets even smaller because corporate thinks we're not working hard enough. Even people who are on the floor are complaining about not having time to talk to customers because there are too many to handle. 

Ugh, venting about work is stupid. It's the same shit everywhere. COVID made every company speed run its enshittification and I hate it. But the thought of going back to work on the weekend is sending chills up my spine and making my heart run laps around my lungs. I can't do it anymore. I miss old Best Buy. I miss the big holiday parties and going out for bowling with my coworkers and having employees who specialize in one type of technology who have all the answers instead of having to search up shit on my phone. I miss Jason and his slightly worrying tattoo, and other Jason and his fun personality. I miss the full timers who were unceremoniously let go, one right after her husband died of COVID. I just... I don't know. If I didn't have Scott I would probably be in a much worse state than I am now. 

Eventually I'm going to put in my two weeks. I just don't know when. It's going to be soon, but I'm also terrified of what comes next. Scott said he could possibly get me a job at the place he works at, which has better starting pay than what I'm making now and is super neurodivergent friendly, but it doesn't help the creeping horror of not having a job. When I was furloughed I fell into a depression I hadn't felt since college. I think Scott being here with me physically will keep my afloat.

It sucks that all my longest blog/journal posts are the ones where I'm complaining or sad. Hey, if I do quit my job I'll have more time to work on Nocti! Of course, things keep happening to keep me from wanting to work on any art. I gotta get back into the groove. I gotta finish my commission (YES I KNOW ITS BEEN FOREVER I'M SORRY...) and sign paperwork for surgery. I'm trying. Or am I? Honestly I don't know. 

Maybe I should rewatch Everything Everywhere All At Once and have a good cry. That will fix me. 

Oh! I forgot to mention: I have two more pregnant shrimp! One is bursting with berries, and the other has a pitiful five or six eggs. It's so exciting to think about how the tank population is going to explode soon. I need to get some more plants in there to make the babies feel safe, and maybe a little dish to contain the snowflake food Scott bought for me. Some floaters would be nice (but not duckweed, please god not duckweed) and maybe something with some nice big leaves? I don't know all the scientific names of the plants but I think the ones I'd like to get are called swords. My tank is pretty boring and I need to choke out the algae hurting my java moss, and more plants would help with both of those issues. 

Okay, now it's the end of the journal. Why can't I write 4.5k words in an hour on my creative projects. Life is so unfair.

Current Mood: Unknowable